Everyone has one of those days. It might start early in the morning, or later in the day. Something small but not-quite-right happens that gets under your skin. Today I was looking forward to sleeping in, as Jac didn’t have school. Then two of my kids woke up at 6:15AM anyways, my youngest insisting I feed him breakfast.
This tiny inconvenience that gets under your skin is compounded by several other ones that usually wouldn’t bother you a bit, but today irritate the garbage out of you. I was so behind today, despite managing my time the best I could (why was I behind? I got up early?!?!) and I couldn’t make phone calls regarding my son’s therapy. MOM GUILT.
Sometimes we nip it in the bud, like the time I drove almost an hour to therapy only to find out insurance issues meant our session was cancelled. Instead of being annoyed, I took advantage of the babysitting situation and gave my son a leisurely visit to a nearby park without his siblings.
But sometimes, despite all efforts, prayer, worship, chanting mantras, you name it; the Bad Day settles itself in and refuses to dislodge. Today I’m trying to figure out why, as my husband watches the kids at the playground and I ponder from a park bench. He figured I needed alone time.
In the midst of the brokenness and my silly angst over pretty much nothing, I feel the quiet stir of my soul. I blogged about this last week. I’m hungry for a perfect world without pain and mistakes and sadness, because I know it exists. The subtle burning desire inside is a promise of an eternity full of life, joy and perfection.
So what is the point to this tedious exercise? Why am I still here? Who would rather be here anyway? Asking these questions, I feel God whisper gently, “I need you to see that you need Me.” Reality opens up as it occurs to me that I’ve done it again. Tried to be super-mom. The Glorious Mom in my own strength. Perhaps buoyed by my successes, I forget I am nothing, have nothing and can do nothing apart from the Holy Spirit empowering me.
I need the fruit of the Spirit in my life. I can’t do love, joy, peace – forget patience! – any of that is impossible. The best thing I can do is run to my Creator in my broken state and admit my desperate need. My glaringly obvious shortcomings. The Bible says He is close to the broken-hearted, but when I try to be fantastic on my own, He’s not quite close, and I’m not quite fantastic.
Thank God He was waiting for this moment! For me to admit I need Him and to run to Him, humbly begging His presence and provision over my life. From this viewpoint, I understand how sometimes I need moments like this where I’m not quite excelling but rather failing gloriously, so I can see things clearly, as they are. Sometimes I need to have a Bad Day.